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Published on November 17th, 2013 | by Rose


Relationship Mistakes I Made In My 20s That I Cannot Regret Over

I think am one of the ladies who had a very interesting life at 20s. To others, it may never be interesting because they were just glued into one relationship for life but for as me, I loved the experience of jumping from one relationship to another. Not that I was a player; actually all this has nothing to do with that. It was fun at the time and of course I enjoyed every little bit of it from the head to the toe.

When I look back now however, I see some of the things I did and am kinda ashamed of myself but all the same, I do not regret over what I did. I do not blame the guys I dated either; they did their best and if there is someone to be blamed, it has to be me. Actually, the whole reason of writing this is to try and ensure that someone learns from my small stupid mistakes that I did back then. Although not in any chronological sequence, the following are some of the major mistakes that I personally take responsibility for:

I Let My Boyfriend Design My Life

At the age of 21, I was very naïve about relationships partially because my dating life started a bit late (I think I should have started dating before I was 16). I got hooked to my first boyfriend and I thought to myself that this must be the man of my dreams; he is one I would grow old with. Well, it was never to be so. Initially we crisscrossed the world travelling to some very scenic sites like pyramids of Egypt, the Grand Canyon and flying over the Mediterranean and just having fun; mine was an ideal relationship.

We never fought at any instance and I grew up believing that this is how a relationship ought to be. I never knew that the soothing melodies and hot kisses will one day come to an end. We broke up with him when we had just come from a trip across the Okavango Delta (a scenic site for all who know it). To him it looked so ordinary but to me it was a life taken out of me. The man who I had invested every muscle of our relationship in had called it quit. It devastated me more so being my first relationship. I cried and wailed until I came to the point of knowledge that despite the heart ache, I was the only one responsible for my future and destiny. I picked up my broken pieces, forgot about the past and moved on.

Looked For Excuses at Every Point

Following the first break up I immediately looked for another man to calm me down and possibly make me erase the memories of my first relationship. So I got one and it was hot and sweet as expected; in fact in just 3 months, we had done everything that people in a mature relationship do. Talk of kisses, cuddling and sex; we had done all that. I applied for a scholarship and I was awarded. Thinking of leaving my boyfriend behind to pursue higher education was unthinkable to me at the time so I used this as an excuse of declining the scholarship. This is arguably one of the most stupid mistakes that cost me a fortune. I of course got myself into another grad school later on but I had to pay dearly because I choose to make my boyfriend an excuse NOT to pursue education. I later learnt that if you really love a bird, let it fly and if comes back to you then that was meant to be yours.

I Never Had Time Alone or Just With Friends

My 20s were just dotted with relationships and a series of boyfriends. This got me soaked up in emotions and I was never sober at all. I would either run two relationships at a go enjoying steamy sessions from multiple men or just immersed in a deep one that got me confused. These relationships were just for fun and this explains partially why at the age of 28, I was still not married despite having a string of men. I never knew what it means to be alone or just spending quality time with friends. I used to meet them occasionally but I know that was not enough. I was really used to the idea of another person feeding me with affection and approvals all the time and I forgot that quality time alone was something that I deserved. This is the moment that I feel I should have spent more time with family and friends in my formative years, there is so much in terms of girl talk that I missed because I was just never there.

I Dated Grown Up Babies

This is one mistake that I laugh daily about and pray that I do not land in there again. At the age of 24, I was throwing my emotional energy into a boyfriend who was in real sense a grown up baby. He had issues to sort out with himself and he definitely did not deserve my attention. But on the contrary, I was there so engrossed and thinking how this was the perfect relationship to give my love and care. The man was somehow brilliant at least as per my judgment then; but more to that, he was just an unmotivated fellow.

I got engrossed in this relationship and I took on the project of ‘fixing’ him up so that he understands himself. I conveniently shelved my personal growth ambitions and decided not to move forward just to nurse him through his formative years. Well, this was the greatest mistake ever; I lost my precious time with someone who was yet to find himself. I said never again; I won’t date babies anymore.

I Made Him Think I Wanted To Marry Him

At least in our culture, when a man takes you home to his parents, he is serious about you and may be wants you for a wife. Well, that is something that was totally strange to me then. I allowed him to introduce me to his parents telling them that I was a special someone to him; of course I was or at least my feelings were telling me so. That was the age of 26 if am not mistaken. I was not sure what marriage to me was all about I just knew about love and sex but did not know what it was to commit to a lifelong relationship.

His siblings and parents then started treating me like one of their own and I felt like this was good. The fallout however came at the point when he brought me the ring and knelt before me speaking words whose sum total was ‘would you marry me’. I openly said no and dashed to the dark woods…he never saw me again and I never picked his calls again. That was naïve you would say but that was me; scared of commitments.

I Confused Promiscuity with Self Confidence

I just do not know how I pieced these two together. As a woman who had gone through all the relationships and sexual adventures, I always thought in my mind that sleeping around with several anonymous partners was the only way to assert my sexual confidence. To make this self prophecy come true, I slept with a number of them exposing my nakedness to several lustful and hurting men. The funny thing about it all was that after every sexual encounter I felt that I needed another man probably with a different physique who would squeeze me in a different way.

True to my desires I got several of them than punched holes in my dating life…I cannot even remember their names all I recall is the tattered nature of my life back them. None of these men bothered to call back after a sexual ordeal, to them, it was a conquered battle. Later on I learnt that self confident was miles apart from what I thought was ideal. I was just treading the path of destruction with my bare feet.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. The entire mass is still deep in the waters. The crosswinds of my 20s have taken me to islands of love and affection that were purely a fantasy. They had no basis and were full of lies. The words that men spoke were just an offshoot from their many concubines and defiled virgins that I never saw. But hey think for a moment; I do not mean that I ever regret having such experiences. They have shaped me into the person that I am today. The only thing is that given another chance, I would never repeat such. If you doubt me, turn back the hands of time; lights on, camera, action! You will see how different I will play the script. I learnt and hope you will pick something from this too.

by Rose

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